I’m alive

Sorry I haven’t wrote in a while. There’s so much that has gone on and I just haven’t put anything about it. I think I mentioned I have a boyfriend now? Yeah it’s that guy who I’ve mentioned many times as my best friend. He still is, he’s just my boyfriend now too. I’m still asexual, and I’m not sure he gets that yet, judging by the way he touches me and tries to tell me the experience might make me like it. I hope one day he will see I truly am this way and he will either stay with me or get rid. The cuddles and things still seem foreign to me and I am trying to be affectionate, I think it’s working luckily, as long as he doesn’t get too comfortable and a bit handsy- but he’s such a lovely guy and kind gentle person that I can’t imagine he’d do that knowing it does nothing for me. It’s all for his benefit. I don’t mind, it makes him happy, and he deserves to be happy. I may be repeating a previous post I have no idea. Yes it’s been that long.

Right now I am on my way back from my old University town, and it was weird being back. All the good, and bad that went on there, it was like all the memories came flooding back at once. I had met a girl who is supposed to be a professional at making cards and it’s a bit soppy and it tells him I love him. We had words the other day and he said for his birthday he wants something that can’t be baught- three little words. To me they are not little words. I’m scared to give the card, cause I know he will get emotional and then I plan to tell him it too. I really hope I mean it. It’s not easy for me to open up the way I have with him, to be so exposed- but maybe the fact I can be so open with him where I haven’t been able to with anyone else, means I do love him. I don’t know exactly what it is to love, but I recon this is close enough. So there we are.

Back to today. I also made a stop to meet an old ‘mate’.. in a car that smells of weed, covertly… It felt like some kind of mission impossible task-trying to find the road the guy was on, and let him know what I’m wearing, end the call, him signalling me, me casually acting like I knew him and getting into his car. (This “mate” is a guy I bought weed off once with a friend, so, kinda scary) This time I was getting some Mandy (MDMA) and Acid (LSD). I wanted weed but I didn’t have enough, but maybe next time. I had my panic alarm ready attached to a label inside my bag ready in case. Nothing happened. I got my stuff, had a quick chat, and got out saying bye like I knew him really well to avoid suspicion. Should I be blogging this? Probably not. I just can’t keep everything in. I’m an addict and as little as I’m having nowadays I’m still taking drugs which is something I know I don’t wanna do. Buy the Mandy and lsd makes me feel more affectionate and my boyfriend and parents deserve that. But they also deserve a sober daughter/girlfriend/sister who works and saves her money instead of spending it. I’m sorry to them, and to any of you hoping I was staying sober. I’ll keep updating you guys and trying. That is until I can’t try anymore. But we’ll see.

Next post will be happier- all about my time in Paris!

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