Sometimes I wonder why I ever go to anybody for help or advice, or complain about something, because they answers are always the same. “It’ll work out” “you’ll be okay” “don’t worry” “i’m here for you”. Great thanks… how? How do you know it’ll be okay and everything will work out? What do you know that I don’t? It’s hard to give advice, I get it, because sometimes you just don’t know what to say. I’m terrible at it, and when people come to me I often tell them I’m no good at giving advice, but that I’ll always listen, and I let them know I understand and wish I could help. I listen to what exactly they’re upset about, and use any knowledge I have on it to give advice or help or make them feel better. If I can relate, I might use an anecdote or tell a story about how I can relate, maybe tell them what helped me or just let them know they’re not alone.
But I am so tired of being told my my family and friends that I’m gonna succeed, when there’s no evidence to suggest this. That i’ll overcome my depression- because sometimes, people don’t. Please don’t tell me I’ll remain sober this time because you don’t even know I’m still popping pills on a daily basis. If you knew that what advice would you give then? To just stop? I’ve been told that before, just stop, like it’s that simple. Please don’t say I’ll learn from my mistakes because I’ve made the same mistakes over and over. I’ve lost weight, but gained it back. I’ve got clean, then started using again. I got out of debt, and got in worse debt again. I stopped spending all my money on clothes and nice things, until I started to again. My life is literally a series of me making mistakes, moving onto the next mistake, and then completing the same mistakes I made in the first place, again.
So I’d rather people start telling me that they don’t know how to help. If you can’t relate to my situation, tell me you wish you could help but you’re not aware of how to, tell me to talk to someone who knows more. Give me tough love, tell me it’s up to me to sort it out, or tell me you’ve given all you can. I don’t mind honesty, what I hate is generalisations. Sometimes, it won’t end up okay. Sometimes, I’m going to make the same mistake. Also, I can’t magically believe in myself, I can’t magic my depression away, I can’t magic myself skinny or give myself the will to change my food diet for life. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen and be there. I wish my parents, my sister, my grandparents, my boyfriend, my friends; I wish they knew that they don’t have to make me better, they don’t have to find the perfect words to say, all they need to do is help me help myself. The rest is up to me.
Yup, sidenote, I did say boyfriend. The guy, my best friend, who’ve I’ve mentioned loads, him and I decided to give it a go as a couple and see how it works out. He doesn’t mind that I’m not the most intimate of people and I love that he’s willing to let me be me. He knows most of my darkest secrets and how I feel about myself and he’s still there for me and still wants me more than a friend. I feel different with him than with any of the ordinary guy best friends I’ve had in the past, so I know it’s more than friendship. Also he’s the first guy I’ve kissed and been willing to since I was high off my face 2 years ago at university. So it must mean something. So guess that’s a positive note to end this post on!