Before about an hour ago I never knew the true meaning of pacing. Not because I’d never heard the definition or watched somebody pace or know what it means to pace, but because I realised I’d never actually done it before. I’d never paced up and down a hallway or kitchen (as I did today), even doing the whole, “thought fingers” to my chin and everything. It is impossibly hard to sweat in these cold temperatures, but sweat I did. I have good reason to pace, it might be the last day of life for me, literally or figuratively speaking, I’m just not sure which yet.
I know that there is a good chance there’s a package headed my way and that’ll land tomorrow. I know that it’s something I wish I hadn’t ordered and would never recieve. It’s minor compared to what I’ve ordered in the past, so minor in fact, it would be laughable if it wasn’t so, the exact opposite. You see, I finally came clean to my parents. They found my order before and we spoke for so long about it that even I almost wanted to call the police on myself. I hated myself for the same promise “that was the last time”, and I hate myself even more now for promising my Mum the other day that there was not going to be any more unexpected surprises, nothing in the shadows, everything in plain sight. It was true, too, but of course stupid me doesn’t realise what she’s already done half the time. I didn’t realise I’d ordered a bit of mandy to come to my door and that it hadn’t arrived yet. I looked on the tracker and it was held up, but it’s due likely the next working day. That was yesterday.
You know, the postal service is so strangely arrogant, because I’d shrug this off if I was back living alone where I was before, because if it didn’t get signed for it would just come back another time, but the fact is the post doesn’t come the next day, and Saturday certainly wouldn’t count as a “working day”, but believe me, tomorrow it will. It’s how it works. You always get screwed by the post. Always. The other day I was sending stuff back to where I’d gotten it, I wanted rid, so I’d send it off in the post. My Mum had found the post receipt and asked me about it, and my default reply is immediately, and regrettably, a lie. I tell her it was the some finance letter I meant to send a few months back. Even pushed it, questioning her trust in me. She actually apologised. Although that must of been her perverse way of making me feel even worse about lying when she came back at me with the facts.
I sent it signed for. Her first clue, and the obvious one of course, being the fact that the damn receipt had the address down to a T, so there was no way of getting out of it, so I just told her. I told her I’d gotten some stuff but sent it back after not wanting to betray her trust and go behind her back I… went behind her back and betrayed her trust by sending back the drugs I’d bought, in order to not do that in the first place. How dumb, right? Why can’t I just tell the truth, admit I screwed up. So why, when she asked if she should expect something else or anything else, did I say no. I really wanted, and hoped, all this would be behind me. But knowing that if this package arrives tomorrow, there might not be a way back. There’s only so many times you promise something before it becomes a lie, only so many times you can build trust in someone and let them down. I’ve maxed out on all my promises, all my lies, all my trust. It’s all gone.
The last time my Dad wanted to call the authorities on me. This time he’ll surely want to again. I didn’t care before, until he told me that anybody living under the same roof as me could lose their job. If that happened, my Mum’s career, and the hard work she’s put into her job, goes up in flames along with probably our house and any finances we hoped to have left because I know we are barely keeping our heads above water financially. Then I cared. Of course I care about her, about them. It’s me I don’t give two shits about, but if I knew all this would have caused this much damage I never would have let it come to this. I wouldn’t be here today.
I know if I say anything tonight it’ll ruin the celebrations, because some money has come through thanks to my Dad and basically, we’re celebrating. Another reason why I don’t trust tomorrow. Nothing good every comes good after a celebration. One good thing leads to a bad, and all good things come to and end. Call me superstitious, whatever, I could be imagining it all. I could literally wake up tomorrow, go downstairs, worry free, check my tracker, all still in order. I go for some exercise, I come back and, nothing. No shouts or angry stared or police sirens. I go upstairs for a ‘nap’ (I never actually sleep when there’s this much at stake), I hear no knocks, no post. The whole day could go by, me sick to my stomach, and it might just arrive Monday when they’re all at work and I can send it back like I planned and never have to worry again, right? Nope. There is always a recoil.
No matter what. I feel as though I have to get away from the house tomorrow. If they are going to be here if and, when, this thing arrives, I’m not going to be. I decided on that whilst pacing. I can’t hear that knock, or stand to see the look on their faces when they know exactly who the package is for. Doesn’t matter what’s inside, or the fact it’s half a gram of something I was going to send back anyway. No way will they care, or believe a word I have to say anymore. The only good thing I have is the fact I can check to see when it’s been either signed for or rejected. Either way, it’s basically a death sentence, but i’d rather see it on a phone screen than in their faces. Then I have to decide, do I go back and face the music first? Shall I attempt the same promises? Because I mean it this time. I might be being a coward but what is the whole thing going to accomplish? Something has to change and I feel like, if the time comes, I should be ready.
It’s funny how this could have happened a couple of months, maybe even weeks ago, and I’d never be thinking this drastically but I can only tell of the disappointment in their eyes, you might understand. It’s not only selfish but it’s stupid and I don’t know how I’d do it without being at home because as much as I’ve imagined jumping off a building or into train tracks, I’ve never actually planned it. Sure, because usually those are more ‘rushed’, normally unplanned suicides, but honestly, how do you plan a suicide like that? You cant find just any building tall enough to do enough damage to kill you and find a way to the roof, and there’s no subways here, if you try to get in front of any train you’ll be spotted a mile off, probably quite literally. So if I’m out and I find on my tracker that they’ve attempted delivery or have delivered, and I know therefore it is over, what do I do? What does one do, when they’ve reached the end of the line?
I’m halting my speech now because this is as far as I’ve gotten myself. None of this was planned. I mean, eventually I was gonna do it, yeah. I’ve been building myself up to it, waiting for the right words to say. I wanted to go on this mini holiday I have and celebrate my best friends birthday just before I celebrated my own, which would have been around the time the next Marvel movie was out. Oh yeah, no way after Avengers: Infinity War was I going to leave the earth not knowing! I didn’t plan on it, anyway. I figured I could blag another year of my life. And so far I’ve gotten along fine, just scraped by, never really bothering to find a career path because I know where my path ends, that it ends with me, by my hands. I just didn’t know it could be so soon.
I have to plan things anyhow. If it does come down to tomorrow and the post has been, there’s no stopping the ball I’ve got rolling. But no post? Alarm bells go down and I stop acting delusional on my blog. For a while. Lol. I’m sort of frantic but in a calm way, the way I expected it to be if I ever did have to end my life quite urgently. I’m a believer anyway and well, maybe the big man has a plan for us and if that plan is for that post to arrive tomorrow, then it’s also for me to depart. It’s in Gods hands now.
Keep y’all updated. Peace, hopefully not, out (like seriously I’d like to watch the next avengers movie before a possibly life altering or ending disaster if possible?) xoxo