I wish

I wish I could hear the clock ticking at night and not count every tick and tock knowing morning will soon once again arrive

I wish I could sit with my family without my mind begging the time to go faster so it’s time for bed

I wish when I went to bed I also went to sleep, instead of staying up all night watching the same things i’ve watched before

I wish I could fall asleep without tossing and turning for over an hour before I am so exhausted my mind just shuts off

I wish I wasn’t in so much pain all the time, that I feel like working and standing and walking is too much and all I want to do is stay lying down

I wish the doctors could find out the reason for my pain, so I know, and other people know, it’s not all in my head

I wish I didn’t self medicate with drugs I know I shouldn’t be taking, with drugs I might not even know I’m taking

I wish I cared that my habit was dangerous

I wish I could explain to my parents why I can’t just flip on a switch and make my cravings go away

I wish I could explain how deep my depression goes and how long it has gone on for.

I wish I could smile and mean it. I hope one day I will.

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