I used to skip Uni to stay and do nothing, I used to skip appointments and deadlines and call in sick to work to do nothing. I quit work- to do nothing. The more time I’ve spent doing so, the more I’ve become bored with it. My best friend recently got a letter getting him off work because of stress and other issues, like I did, and so I asked him what he does. He says TV catch up, playing on his PS4, doing this family tree thing he’s doing etc. Which, is pretty much what I do. I watch TV even if it’s a show or episode I’ve watched 4 times before. I don’t play games much because they’re just not an interest to me or my brain. But why did I love this so much before? What is so great about sitting at a computer screen all day.
I’m so picky so it’s not like I can binge watch something I haven’t already binged a million times, I can’t keep staring at a screen watching real people act like fake people after real people have made fake backgrounds from green screens. Nobody wants to meet up and go shopping anymore. My friend actually came all the way to my work place the other day and we went to eat and talk and that which was great. I love doing that, especially when I’m already out. I have to admit I didn’t expect him to come because like me he gets anxious, and he had to be sure he knew where to meet me. I like how we relate that way. My admiration for him and what he did for me grew there, but today I feel like he doesn’t even want to speak. He’s probably playing that game he told me about or the family tree he’s organising or watching TV programmes and has no need for me.
That’s where I feel weird. Nobody every has any need for me, not unless they finally get bored. Even my best mate, his favourite thing to do with me is hang out at his and watch TV. What happened to shopping trips and going into the country on trains or going on cycle rides. I loved doing that as kids. I know we grow up, but do we really grow up? Because personally I think that’s just standing still, figuratively speaking. I don’t miss my temp job, that’s not what this is about, but I do think sometimes my depression and lack of hygiene and not leaving my bed for days comes from society and the way that we spend our free time- not getting up and meeting up but laying down or sitting and watching TV or playing PC or video games or listening to music. It’s fun and I used to do it none stop, used to wish I could do it forever and never have to leave. But there comes a time where you have to try and stop the cycle.
I don’t want to not shower for days because I don’t need to leave the house. I don’t want to have greasy hair and binge eat whatever food is in the house and lay in bed and take drugs to be numb and make my day feel good. I’m ready to leave this city I live in and get a job where I work hard but I earn money, and can get a flat, and go out and explore and be able to buy things but learn how to spend wisely. I’ll meet people and I’ll get ready and go out and TV will be a luxury, something I’ll be excited to watch because I have been too busy to catch up, not something I’m sitting there waiting for the premiere of the next season like a cat waiting to die. I feel like I’m not 22 but 98, and lying in bed waiting for death.
I’m constantly walking the line between wanting to live and wanting to die. Tonight I want to die, but I dream of living. Of there being a future for me, which doesn’t involved waiting for the next great movie to be released or tv show to start. I want to be excited to go out for food, on a road trip, to a club, to a pub. I want to enjoy my work and go exploring. Fuck this sitting around expecting things to just come my way. We all do it. We moan that life sucks while we sit on our asses and do nothing about it. I do it. You do it. I’ve decided I’ve gotta either keep complaining that nothing good is happening to me so hope to just lie down and die, OR get up, get a job, move somewhere, make a flat or house look like how I want it, and use the things I use daily now, as merely just something I do as a hobby.
Your hobbies should not be your life. Unless your hobbies and activities are your job or part of volunteering, then complaining that good isn’t happening whilst doing nothing isn’t going to solve your problems.
Wish me luck in my quest to find something else; something better. There’s gotta be more to life than this. As I’ve said before, if this is all there is, then I don’t want it.