New year, same old me

Look, if you wanna make your new years eve wondering what amazing things you can do next year (now this year), do it. I’m not being sarcastic. I was once somebody who spent ages writing new years resolutions and I prayed to God to be a better person and respect life and Him more, it seems I did the opposite. I’ve taken 20 minutes to write this paragraph cause a few vals, xanax and klonopin/clonazepam have turned me into a bit of a zombie. I’m also tired from video chatting with my friend, which ended abruptly when he realised me and his close friend had been chatting. It was all good things about him, and the first time he specifically asked her to talk to me because he couldn’t face reading my messages. The second time was because she and him had fallen out and I helped them be friends again. I see no problem there, and I am honestly so done with drama that I immediately closed the chat. We’re fine now, it’s just an average day in that kind of friendship that we have.

So today is/was no different to any other day. Except I used it as an excuse to eat/drink as much as I wanted without getting told off or feeling guilty. I had work this morning and work up semi-high but coming down from the 5am shut off and felt super cheerful. I was hungry too, so my Mother made me a cheese toastie and I ate her home made sausage rolls. Yes, at like 9am. Then my friend told me her work had been cancelled, and I hoped mine would be, but no it wasn’t. But another stroke of luck, although I took longer getting ready, my bus was due in 3 minutes, over the road. That rarely happens when I’m ready, especially on a day like New Years Eve! I said goodbye, ran over to grab a can of energy drink, and again, luck! My Dad decided to just take me there, since he was going that way anyway, he just took me. Woo!

I got to work early, new me aye? Nah, just luck I recon, but let’s see how this waking up early works, maybe I can finally be one of those people who fulfils a next year resolution goal, not that I have any this year. I just wanna be how I’ve always wanted to be- a decent weight, join clubs, socialise, be a normal functioning human being- but that’s gonna be a bit of a challenge! I spoke to some of the management, the nice ones anyway. I sat and had the rest of my drink whilst on my phone. Normal day. Mainly tills and helping, and had the aid of pregabs and codeine. We finished early cause we’d closed and why not? Apparently new years eve means something so I got home in time to put some food out and FINALLY get my parents to watch Iron Man which I’ve been hinting at for weeks so snacks, alcohol and Iron Man. Can it be new year eve everyday? 3 glasses of flavoured prosecco, 3 bottles of cider, and whatever else I could find.

Although I became paranoid when watching “love actually” they began to talk about me slurring my words. We all blamed it on the alcohol but if I keep going the way I’m going my secret it going to come out and it’ll be bad, money will be the big issue. I spent a lot of money and borrowed from bad loan places to get this stuff and without a job I am fucked. Sorry for the language and the downer on this post, but stopping this habit is so hard. It’s 3am I started writing this at 12, have made so many spelling mistakes and nodded off while sitting up so any times i think I need to sleep and enjoy family time. Enjoy your day and don’t let my pessimism get you down, you make those goals and you go crush it! Just don’t give up and keep fighting!

Happy New Year!

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