So out of all the posts I’ve been meaning to write, I’ll start with the first thing I can think of.
So I told my best friend that I was on, at that very moment, while chatting to him (over Facebook), MDMA. His reaction was, well, not what I expected. He completely went off at me- that’s the only way I can describe it. I guess my accent comes through in a lot in these posts, but basically; he just blew up at me, via chat, with a long winded paragraph about how I let him down, and that I chose drugs over him.
I told him because I felt he was the only person in the world I could tell who would maybe not judge me. I was wrong.
However, if I was writing this blog post back when it happened, this would be a very different post, but the truth is that since then, we’ve spoken, face to face, and he has told me that he will be there for me through this difficult period, and apologised for his over-reaction. The conversation hurt because a lot more was said, and he believed me to be manipulating him at one point, or even using reverse psychology. (He told me that he’d lost me, and I said fine, and said my goodbyes.) Honestly, I was ready to say goodbye if he was ready to judge me for something that I felt I had no control over. I’ve lost too many people due to me either being not enough (not fitting in with certain ‘cliques’), or too much (having mental illness and things being too much for people to handle). I wasn’t going to fight for somebody who wasn’t willing to fight for me.
Everybody reacts to something like that differently, and I can’t be upset with him for his own feelings. After he realised he went over the top, and I realised I probably said some things too, we both agreed to put it behind up and try to move on. For now I am just happy he is still my friend and that we got to have a heart to heart. I just wish I could say I’m through doing drugs and even that night that we spoke about it, I was on MDMA, because the drug gives you a ‘lovey dovey‘ feeling, and I know he wanted me to be close to him… in a ‘more than a friends‘ way, and in the end, it felt like, maybe, that’s how I wanted it too.
More about that on another post, because I just don’t know how to feel about it, and I feel it deserves it’s own place on my blog. I’m in a strange place right now and I wish I could feel like I am able to start being clean and sober, and start getting my life back on track. But the way work is going, it seems that I am returning to some back habits.
Next post- work related! It's been a difficult couple of weeks.