The outside world is a horrible place. For me anyway. I walk up the road and I am paranoid that the people in the cars coming down the opposite way are looking at me. You know when you’re driving and you just happen to see someone walking past? Most times people don’t notice or judge, but I know some do. Take my Mother for instance; she always makes comments about people she sees when she’s driving. Normally good things, like if they’re running she’ll comment that they’re doing good, but sometimes she’ll mention their clothes or hair etc, as an observation. So even walking down the road makes me feel uneasy.
Crowds get me. I hate them. Trying to dodge people because they’re too stubborn to move out the way themselves, and then constantly feeling on edge. When I’m trying to find somewhere to sit in a restaurant I look for the farthest seat away, and the ones in the corners or in booths- I hate the middle, or tables that are directly joined to other tables with other people. Queuing is horrible too, well that’s obvious, nobody likes that… but for me it’s the whole worrying about what I’m going to say or do at the tillpoints. I stand there going over in my head what I’m going to order, or counting the prices of the items I have to make sure I have enough cash, or worry that I got something wrong. It’s a nightmare.
Then there’s public transport. Sitting on busy busses next to people you usually don’t know, sometimes right after they’ve had a smoke (or 10), or haven’t had a shower in 3 years. I’m not judging, but it’s just not my idea of fun. I’m anxious all the time, and my thoughts are constantly in over-drive, so imagine my surprise when I enjoyed the past couple of days a lot more than I normally would have in a busy shopping center.
So on Tuesday, after Mondays terrible day of missing work and feeling guilty, angry, and depressed, I actually went out, with my sister. Now I love my Sister with all my heart but she goes through these phases where is has little (or big) obsessions. This has been long lasting. Anime. She loves it, Manga and Anime, and allll day long she speaks about it, citing names I have no clue about or storylines I cannot get a grip of. It’s like she’s speaking a different language and expects me understand her Anime lingo.
Despite that and the endless “yeah’s”, on behalf of the randomness that came out of my sisters mouth, (again I love her, and that’s just her personality, so I accept and embrace it), I enjoyed the day. (Or half day, I was waiting for post for most of it, a big parcel of things to ‘help’ with my pain and anxiety. So much for sobriety). We went into the local town and went shopping. Not really for Christmas, because I’ve been planning to go with my friend (although I’m thinking twice about that now, due to the way he’s been acting lately), but I did get some clothes, boots and warm stuff for winter. I also got some gifts for the aforementioned friend, which I’ve spent a lot on, so am really hoping he starts becoming the guy I used to know soon, otherwise I’ll just get my money back!
ANYWAY. Then we went for lunch, and headed home. We were going to watch a film but were exhausted from shopping! I got a pair of warm black boots, a pair of floral high tops with fur inside from my place of work, as well as a nice shopping bag, a purse for all my bits of change, and a nice handy debit card holder that sticks to my phone. I love shopping, it’s like another addiction. In fact I’ve just taken out a loan to feed both my addiction to shopping and the other one, the one I’m really gonna try and limit. Anyhow, I made some nice purchases and am glad to have spent more time with my sister,
Yesterday we went ice-skating. I’ve been waiting to go for so long, wanting to go with someone. Luckily my sister loves it too, otherwise I’d never had got to go. We also paid a visit to the big wheel and had a ride on that too. I love high up things, and the wind made it scary- I don’t know what it is, but I love things that scare me, that make my heart race, that give me that Adrenalin rush. I managed to fall over when Ice Skating, and hit my knee, but I got over it. My feet were also in a great deal of pain, and dealing with chronic pain makes it so much worse- but it was worth it!
We walked around the local Christmas markets, and I loved all the little trinkets and food items (of course!) and unique gifts that they sell. My sister barely looked as she is one of those people who loves it when she’s doing something she wants to do but doesn’t care that other people wanna do other things. Again love her to pieces, it’s just the way she is. I guess sometimes I wish I could go on a proper girls shopping trip with her and go buy stuff together and talk about normal stuff, not the constant references to an anime tv show she watches/manga she reads. I don’t mind it but when I talk about my stuff she seems disinterested. Oh well! I’ll keep it to myself as usual I guess, aha.
Anyway. All in all a good shopping trip. When I got home I pretty much straight away went to bed because of the long day of shopping, and I tied on ALL my new clothes. I bought a lot, and spent a lot. Unfortunately I got a £1000 loan out which requires a lot of interest added back on, so I better hope for a better job soon!
Thanks for reading, a much less depressing most today! Count yourselves lucky for now aha.
Keep the faith!