I know, it’s my second post in one night, but I felt like I needed to get some stuff off my chest.
Without going into loads of detail, I have this friend. A best friend.
We’ve only known eachother for around 6 months, but in those 6 months we’ve become extremely close. We have a lot in common. He loves Marvel (the cinematic universe) and the DC universe. He loves films, and music. He has one hell of a collection! He likes going to the cinema and we go together quite a bit. We both like Nandos, McDonald’s, KFC. We compliment eachother pretty well.
From the first time we decided to meet, after hours and hours of chatting, I made sure he knew it was not a date. I don’t date. Like, anyone.
Nobody seems to get it. I’m a weird, strange individual who has no desire to have sex with another human being. Unless I had to, to, you know, save the human race or something. (Then again I’d be hesitant about that too, do we really deserve saving?). Anyway, yeah. I don’t get sexually attracted to people, kissing to me feels weird, all of it, it all feels weird and uncomfortable and I don’t know why people enjoy it. I don’t like hugs let alone all the rest of it. So all those months ago, I explained my unique situation and he agreed. We had an amazing day after loads of pre-meet-up anxiety, and I loved spending time with him.
It didn’t take long before we became close friends. Best friends, in fact. My other friendships never turned out so good. The latest being the one who for years called me big, fat, told me I’d never get a job in certain fashion companies because I wasn’t pretty or skinny, telling me nobody else would wanna be my friend, isolating me, deciding where we go, what we do, what we eat, who I can talk to, what looks good on me, what haircut I should have, how much money I should spend… the list was endless. I was trapped in the most toxic and unhappy friendship of my life, and it ended only a few months before I met my great friend. For so long I was afraid to call him my best friend, because every best friend I have, turns into “just somebody that i used to know’ somewhere down the line.
But, little by little, he broke my walls down. I told him things, I told him about my self harm, my asexuality (not being sexually attracted to anybody), my home life, how I was bullied, my old friends (particularly the previous and most toxic one), my Uni life. I told him and only him at first that I failed Uni (technically). I told him about my past addiction, details about my lecturers, friends at university, parents, sister… and he told me loads back. We got to know so much about eachother, even taking quizzes, and I felt so happy.
Fast-track to friendship and besties!
We started off as great friends, best friends. 5 months in and I already felt like he’d gotten past more barriers than any other friend had before. And my others friends I had known for much longer. We go shopping, to the cinema, for food, and we went bowling. The only pet peeve I have is that he doesn’t want to do more with me. I’ve invited him on an ALL INCLUSIVE european holiday with me and he said no. NO! I think he crushed my soul that day, aha. But I got over it, gonna end up going with my sister instead. Shows how many friends I have, aye! Then I invited him as my plus one to the graduation ball. I really wanted to go but I was nervous, and I wanted to go with him because he was after all my best friend, and I felt maybe going together to a formal event like that… maybe it might spark something. I feel like those sorts of events are the types of places that make people feel closer and maybe get closer… but no such luck, because he said no. That’s fine, got over that too. He was too good of a friend to get upset over things like that.
The only other thing he doesn’t do that my other friends did was have the willingness to try out new things. I miss spontaneous days out to various shopping centres or cinemas around the areas, or going to places like the cadburys chocolate factory, or a museum or art gallery, or a pub/bar while we watch the football, or an actual football match, or camping! He didn’t even want to go ice-skating, which I was super excited for because I love teaching people things like that, and for a guy who wants something “more intimate”, what’s more intimate than bloody grabbing eachother as we try not to slide over? Ah well. I take what I can get, and although I will miss out on a lot of things, I’ll never ever have to deal with being told I am fat and ugly and can’t do something, or that I don’t deserve good things. He’ll never be horrible like that, and I’ll take that over a spontaneous trip out, any day!
From besties to tricky feelings
Now here’s where it gets tricky. I knew for a long time this guy had developed feelings, but I hoped and prayed he was still looking for other women, hoping he knows I am unavailable and that that’s not going to change. I’m 22, I will not just suddenly snap out of it and think “oh damn I really want some dick”. Sorry for being so obscene, but it’s true. I’m not repulsed by sex and sexual feelings. I don’t look away at the sex scenes, I laugh and join in when girls (or lads) are talking about it, but I just don’t have the interest that others do.
And yes, I know relationships aren’t all about sex, but that’s usually the end result. When I was going out with a guy, (barely, I hugged him, didn’t even kiss him ‘properly’- although I was in year 9), he broke it off with me because I wasn’t “intimate enough”. That was my first break up and I wasn’t even upset. That’s probably where I should have known relationships for me were never gonna work out, or be normal like others. I’ve had so many guy friendships over the years, and so many times, they’ve messaged me or spoke to me like “what would you say if I asked you out” or “wanna go on a date?” or even straight up try kiss me. That’s normal, I know, but I was shocked every time, because to me they were my solid mates, no I did not want anything more. Each time it upset me because I felt awful for not feeling the same, but how can I help it? It’s just who I am. I’ve accepted it, please can everyone else!
Moving on. The past week with him has been strange. He’s said straight out he likes me, and even listed all the reasons why. Personally, I think he’s partially blind. I know not many girls see their true selves in the mirror and always see some fault, but all I see is faults. Yellow teeth no matter how much I brush them, greasy hair no matter what shampoo I use, I sweat, even when it’s not that cold. My freckles are the ugliest things ever and even foundation doesn’t hide them, my lips are cracked and always cut from where i bite them unintentionally. And that’s just my face! My neck is small (literally I used to be bullied for my posture, everybody would walk around like a hunchback saying it was me), I have very chunky thighs, rolls of fat on my stomach, sagging bits of fat where you don’t wanna know 😉 , extra fat on my chin, hairy legs… the list is endless.
I do genuinely believe a lot of the reason I don’t want a relationship with someone is because of how I feel about myself. I can’t imagine somebody seeing my body. I hate my body in clothes let alone without them! I can’t imagine someone kissing me without feeling like they’re kissing a dog, or holding me without feeling like they’re trying to hug a big tree, or lifting me up like they’re trying to lift up a boulder. I am not girlfriend material, physically, or mentally.
Why mentally? How about the depression and mood swings, the constant over thinking, worrying and anxiety. The panic attacks I get if I have to meet people I don’t know, sometimes even people I do know! The crying fits when life gets too much. The suicidal ideation, constantly thinking about dying and even wishing it upon myself. The self-harm, the drug abuse, the obsession with spending money. There’s so much about me that nobody could possibly want, let alone need. So, yeh, maybe that’s another big reason why I don’t feel the way others do. Maybe I’m so disgusted with myself I can’t imagine being in a relationship.
Either way, I’m stuck. I want him as a friend but I don’t want him to stay my friend, waiting for me, waiting for something that won’t happen. I’m damaged beyond repair. I wish I could understand how somebody could be into me, in fact how more than one person can be into me. It shocks me, but I accept it. Some people settle for less, I get it. But they should aim higher, way higher than me.
I think I’m going to have to be straight with him. It makes me sad to see him hurt like this, to want more knowing I don’t. It hurts me knowing I can’t make him happy, I can’t make any man happy. If it’s any consolation, I’ll probably end up dying along with no love in my life, no kids, and nothing but regret! But seriously, I can’t force myself to have feelings I can’t have. But I am hoping and praying that one day it’ll come to me, and that I’m not all out of luck yet. And maybe then I’ll believe in true love and happiness and see myself in the way some people see me.
Maybe in another lifetime, haha 😉
Peace out bloggers, hope you all have a good night/day (it’s 5am here, can’t stop thinking). Don’t forget, be yourself!