Today was a worrying, stressful, and regretful day. The immense guilt I feel right now is heavy and burdensome, and some of the things I’ve done are not retractable and I can’t recede the choices I made. and I will have to live with them.
I started off my day… late. You see, I had work today, and although it was not until midday, I slept in until almost exactly then. I’d spent the previous night crushing and cutting up a number of pills for various occasions. Concerta (long release ritalin, a stimulant) for awake-fullness, for the days I cannot imagine pulling through another day without falling asleep of boredom. Is is possible to die of dissatisfaction? Probably not. However, pain is another story. It does feel like it is possible to die of a great deal of substantial pain, therefore I had crushed up some codeine tablets along with strong acting Tramadol.
Ages ago I bought these diet pills, or at least they were capsules with powder in designed to help you lose your appetite. They surprisingly work quite well. The capsules were huge so they were perfect to add other substances in. Here’s a picture of what the packet looks like. (Not my pic)
I folded up the tissue paper with the power ready to swallow with a drink next time I eat. The empty capsules are then free for me to put whatever powdered meds in I wanted. I hate doing it but I can’t stop.
I used one capsule to mash up the concerta with some modafinil for the day ahead (this morning), as I knew I’d taken too many benzos and would struggle working, and instead would be sluggish and inept. The second capsule I filled with the crushed painkillers as well as the lorazepam and diazepam. I know for a fact that mixing painkillers and benzos are a bad idea, because they are both depressants, and excessive usage can cause shallow breathing and slowed heartrate. That can even cause collapse (which I am no stranger to), coma, and even death.
I even added what left I had of speed into the modafinil/ritalin capsule, because I believed it would help make me through the day. I’m constantly looking for something to put a smile on my face and keep me focused and busy, otherwise my thoughts are dark, and swallow me whole.
So did it work? Well, no. The reason? Because I ended up not going in, once again. Going back to my earlier words, I had awoken late for work. Half an hour before my shift, to be exact. Sure, I could have rang them and apologised and got ready and made it maybe half an hour or so late, but what did I do? I rang them up… and I lied.
Point blank. I told them my Nan was in hospital and it was a family emergency and I wouldn’t be in. I was mortified by what I was saying, as I was saying it. The woman (a store manager) told me it was okay, but I could almost hear her trying to hold her nerve. Put yourself in her shoes, she gets a call, less than half an hour before her staff member should be in, and she tells her she’s not coming. “Family emergency” or not, that’s still not gonna help her now that she’s short staffed. Then there’s the fact that other than Friday last week, I have not shown up to one shift. Not one.
If you’ve read this blog post you’ll have read that this isn’t the first time this has happened, and not the first time at this store either. On Tuesday the 27th November my Sister called in sick, so I decided to too (reasons on linked post). I again lied, to my sister, to my parents, to work… Told them I got mixed up (and to work that I had tonsillitis. Then the next day I was off, and sat on the sofa all day waiting for my pills to arrive. How fun and not at all like a junkie. On Thursday, I didn’t even get mixed up, I knew when I was due to arrive but I lied. I turned my phone off until about a hour before the end of my shift (or what was supposed to be the end of my shift), and then I called them up.
Putting on my best ‘fake upset voice’, I rang them back and deeply apologised for the ‘mix up’. I was looking at the old shift rota and not the updated one. In all honestly, they didn’t seem too mad. I’d called in sick on the Tuesday which hadn’t helped matters, but they didn’t shout, just told me to make sure it didn’t happen again. My next shift was Friday, where I got proper dressed up for that launch. More on that here.The day ended on a low, due to the fact I had not yet been paid and I still don’t know when that will happen. I’ve spent all the loan money my Mum paid me to keep me going, on a load more pills, and I’m supposed to be going ice skating, shopping, cinema and God knows what else with my sister tomorrow.
I was also supposed to be doing a shift on Saturday, and my Mum took me all the way up to work for me, only for me to get the call asking me where I was, just as she had parked up next to my workplace. I had done it again, looked at the wrong rota, and for real this time. She told me not to bother coming in, even though I wanted to go in and explain face to face, but she said she was too busy. (Answer me this, how can it take you three hours to realise your staff member isn’t in, if it;s SO busy? But ah well. Anyhow, she reiterated to me that this is the second time it’s happened. Yeah I know that, but please lets not keep track because it WILL happen again.)
FINALLY getting round to the point I started with, the immense guilt I feel is mostly towards my parents and work. I’m 80% sure my parents know I’m lying about going in today, but I feel bad nevertheless. The manager I spoke to didn’t offer an opinion, just asked for my bank details to make sure she can pay the right account, and then told me she’d see me next time. I started to cry a bit over the phone, and that was purely out of guilt and shame. What am I becoming? What will they say? Why am I such a waste of skin? And mostly, how could I lie about my Nan being ill? How awful. I’ll have to pray twice as hard tonight for forgiveness for everything I have said and done today, and the manipulation techniques I have put into practice. I never used to be like this.
So what did I do today?
– Woke up late
– Rang work and lied (bigtime)
– Took some drugs to calm me down
– Had a chat to my friend hoping he’d come out with me but he wanted to stay in bed
– Had a little cry to myself
– Got everything ready for work as if I was going to go
– Got ready for work as if I was to go
– Had everything ready by the door so it looked like I’d just arrived when my Mum came home
– “Fake left” my phone on the table, so I could explain why I didn’t answer any calls or texts
– Made up a story about my day
– Took some more shit
– Watched TV and ate my food as fast as I could
– Went to bed by 8pm cause I couldn’t bare the tension and guilt
I’m so happy to be able to blog this. I know people will judge if it’s ever read but I need to get it out there. I can be an awful person sometimes and it makes me feel like it’s not worth living. I have a close friend I can speak to but I feel like the lack of impulsive move on his behalf makes it not as close of a friendship as I thought. I just want somebody who will say “right lets go clear your mind by…” or “why don’t we go and get some food?” or anything, anything but leave me alone to think about ending it.
Sorry for the melodrama and self-pity today, I just haven’t been a good person and have no words of wisdom. Just be a good person. Be honest about your mental health and don’t feel you have to lie instead of expressing how bad you feel. If you’re struggling, reach out, if somebody else is struggling, reach out to them. Don’t let them feel alone or a burden, and never feel that yourself. Peace and love to you all, keep fighting the good fight!