I actually attended work this time

So on my past post I spoke about the fact that I had just not turned up to work, and when asked, made a stupid excuse about not realising I was in. I don’t know whether to feel relieved or guilty that they were nice to me. The woman on the phone said it was fine and not to come in at that point because they had enough staff (thanks God). Mission accomplished. However, the next shift (Fridays shift), I bit the bullet and went in. In fact, I bit not only the bullet, but several Atvian and diazepam too, so it was a strange evening. We had a big launch in the evening and I wanted to get there early to buy some shoes that matched with a top I bought. That too, suited the launch of the new products perfectly. But as usual I was running late, trying to look decent without ruining the ‘illness’ look. 😉 I ended up missing one bus, then my Mother picked me up to drop me at the next bus station, where that bus left too. My Mum had gone by then and I had a panic attack at the bus stop. I haven’t had one in months so I am thinking it may have had something to do with the meds. I couldn’t breath, I was crying and shaking, and ran over the road to get a drink. I sat down and calmed down. I was very close to ordering a taxi when… My dad showed! He helped me calm and let me drink then took me into work. I made it! Work itself wasn’t so bad, it was fast going and there were lots of people in. I even got to stand and give out free prosecco! (Which I totally didn’t sneak!)

I took a couple of Lorazepam (atvian) with a Diazepam 10mg and a codeine/paracetamol pill. My feet didn’t ache as much as they usually do but I was anticipating the pain that standing around gives me. However, there was a lot to do, and I found myself actually enjoying my shift. The customers were nice, which any retail employee will know, is a very rare occurrence and should be cherished with the highest honour. Haha. At this point I was feeling relaxed but because of the panic attack I had experienced earlier I still felt anxious and very upset. For some reason I couldn’t stop tearing up and I just wanted to go home.

I apologise for missing my shift and said it wouldn’t happen again. Then something happened as I was talking to the manager and supervisors. They told me that my money hasn’t gone through because I had written down the wrong sort code number when I had first started. What did this mean? It meant I had no money and I might not get it. So that set me back a lot. For the rest of the shift I was worrying, upset, and not to mention extremely apologetic because if the company paid somebody else and doesn’t get their money back, they may end up having to pay twice.

All in all, I was happy that I had turned up to my shift and everything seemed to be going right until it went wrong. it was nice talking to the kind customers and being a part of a big launch, but I just feel like my anxiety is taking over and I can never be happy with what I have there’s always something more that I need or want.

I want to know why I feel so down? I have a loving family, I have a job, the managers at my job aren’t like my previous ones, they’re kinder and understanding, but I just don’t feel like I fit in.

Anyway, not to end things on a downer, at least I went, I enjoyed most of it (apart from the not getting paid part), and I liked that I was able to wear my deer jumper, which I wore especially for the launch which directly related to deers. (Dunno how much I can say being anonymous). So yeah maybe things are on the up, maybe not, it’s early days but we will see.

Peace to everyone and stay strong to anyone struggling ♥️

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