I feel awful. I feel great. However juxtaposed that is, it’s true. I feel awful. Today I missed work. I didn’t call them, I actually turned my phone off. This is something the old me would have done.
On Tuesday my sister called in sick to work, and that day I really didn’t want to go to mine either. It started at 11 and I just dreaded it. I thought of ways to not go in, and finally I decided to also call in sick (but with me, it was a lie). I was too anxious and the idea of a 7 hour shift with all my pain and anxiety, worried me too much. I then went down the road to buy a shit load of snacks all for myself. Not only that, but that night, the worry about how this place is affecting me, led me to contact a friend and buy anti-anxiety tablets. Diazepam, Xanax, and Lorazepam. I got them delivered special, guaranteed by 1pm the following day. After anxiously awaiting my post all morning, they finally arrived. I immediately took a Lorazepam/Atvian, then a while later I took a Valium/Diazepam 10mg. Then another lorazepam 2mg before I left to meet my friend. Whilst at the cinema watching a movie, I took another 2mg Atvian. Then I arrived home, and I took another half a diazepam (5mg). Not long later, my Mother arrived, and found a pill. She joked “you dropped one of your drugs”. I half laughed but I was also suspicious- she knows about my previous addiction, could she be secretly suspicious of me? I grabbed the pill and swallowed it, and told her I put “whatever it was” in the bin.
Later that night I took the last half of the diazepam. So that was 3 of each, at least. So 6mg lorazepam and 30mg valium (I didn’t count everything I had so could be more). I feel ashamed now, even though again today I’ve taken another load of vals, lorazepams, and codeine.
Why didn’t I just go in? I was so sick this morning. Not physically, but mentally. I didn’t wanna move. I missed my appointment with universal credit which is extremely important, and I missed work. I shut off my phone, I went back to bed and pretended nothing was wrong. Just lay there, trying to shut off my thoughts. When I finally turned my phone on I had a missed call. All I could do was call them back and tell the truth… not. Instead, I called them and told them I was looking at the rota and was completely unaware it was my shift. I know they’ve probably heard it before, and they might discipline me, but you know what? Who cares? It’s a temp job that finishes in 5 weeks so are they really gonna be THAT bothered? The only problem is I called in sick two days ago too, so might that have been too much? Well, I guess I’ll have to see tomorrow.
I’m just so sick of not being happy, and relying on pills to do the job for me. I feel like nothing and nobody will help me, like life is a string of disappointments. I just want to be doing something more than talking to people who hate me, or trying to sell products people don’t want. I want to feel useful, to help people in need. Not stand up for hours on end making people spend all their money on bags and shoes and God knows what else. I feel like drugs drown out all the background noise and help me realise what I truly want- and it isn’t this!
Wish me luck tomorrow, only time will tell if they hate me or not!