An update

Well it’s been a while since I posted on here. I am pretty much posting to the void, because I very much doubt anybody is coming on here to look at a strangers posts, but I will post non-the-less. I find it kind of sad that my last post was so dark, even worse that my views haven’t altered much. I still still nothing when I look to my future, and I still do not believe I have much to live for, and I still believe I am and will be a burden to my family. Although, I’ve not been as depressed as I used to be, and my suicidal thoughts aren’t as regular. I guess it’s because since my last post I have moved back with my parents and alone time isn’t as common as it once was. Back when I was living at University, I was almost always alone, and of course I had no reason to put on a smile and go out and talk to people. Nowadays, I do. So I’m thinking the fewer negative thoughts are to do with this change.

However, I still don’t feel like anything has or will, truly change. In fact, strangely enough, no matter how depressed I felt when I was living at University flats, I miss it. I miss being able to sleep all day if I wanted to, without anybody worrying about me. I miss going for walks at 2am in the dark and cold just to feel something. I miss not caring about my room being a mess because only I had to see it, and being able to eat as much or as little as I wanted because there was nobody there to judge me or tell me I wasn’t eating enough/eating too much. Hell, I even miss getting off my face on whatever drugs I fancied because nobody could stop me and nobody knew.

Oh yeah, did I mention I’m barely taking anything? It’s been months and months since I was doing drugs so often. Nowadays I’ll be lucky if I can take a few codeine’s or something to help me sleep. I did start taking stimulants but, as soon as I started I had to stop, as I was in limited supply. I’m not proud of myself for limited my usage, though. No, the reason behind cutting down on drugs is simply because I cannot afford to have a habit. I’m not so bad that I resort to begging and stealing to feed my habit. In fact I doubt I’m even addicted anymore due to how little I take, if anything, although I still crave things and sometimes I want to rip my hair out at not having something to calm me when I am anxious, or to knock me out when I’m so sad I feel I can’t go on. Or something to take the pain away, and by pain I mean physical pain, like my whole body constantly aches and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m frustrated with myself for ever having thought taking pills to sort my life out would work, because now I still have that mindset sometimes, despite knowing for a fact they do the exact opposite of sorting out my life. I’m also back in a job now, so getting money again might be a great thing for my parents, so they can finally get back some of the money I owe them, and great for me in terms of finally having spending money, but that blessing could also be a curse. What’s to stop me from turning back to the meds now I’m getting paid again? Also being back in work means the physical pain get’s worse and of course my anxiety is through the roof. I guess I’m gonna have to see what happens next and hope I can be strong enough to turn away.

I just realised since the last time I posted I was already talking about work. Well, that was my old job. Not long after, I just stopped turning up. Didn’t bother ringing them or talking to them. I’d already called in sick so many times, I’d already collapsed at work 3 times, I’d already given them a doctors note and had weeks off due to depression and anxiety. It wasn’t gonna work, and I felt like a stranger going in, even after almost 2 years of working there. I finally gave up on them, and they gave up on me, probably long before I did. I did get the odd phone call, then a letter telling me they’re assuming I have left and they would send me my last paycheck and P45. I never saw or spoke to them again. Pretty sad when I think about it, because I got along with some of the people and I did miss a few of them, but sometimes you need to cut out the parts of your life that aren’t worth it. And that job just wasn’t worth it.

I was at rock bottom. I’d obviously failed my University course (although I graduated with a partial degree), and I’d pushed away all my so-called friends. I was the only one left. My job and career was non-existent, and I was in tons of debt. God knows how I made it through this period of my life, especially when I moved back and cut out the pills and whatever else I was on. I’m still wondering to myself if I ever did get past that stage or if I’m still in it, destined to swivel around the mouth of the sink until finally I get pulled into the plug hole. So yeah, I miss my old place, because although it was a dark place, at least I could feel something. At least I could find solace, even if it was in bad things. Nowadays it’s like I am satisfied with nothing. What is fun? I don’t even know anymore. I lay in bed all hours of the day finding tv shows I can get sucked into, to pull myself away from the reality of life. Sleeping as much as I can in order to dream, because my dreams give me something real life never can. Listening to music to escape my thoughts. Every thing I do is just a vice to escape reality. What kind of life is that? What kind of life is it when I want nothing more than to do nothing all day, unless I have money in which case I will fill the void with clothes and shopping until I’m once again broke and the void is as open as it always was.

I know this is depressing, but I am weirdly in a different place to where I was before. I say different because I really don’t believe it’s any better, or worse. Some would say better, because of my limited use of drugs, my limited spending/splashing out on things I don’t need, because I don’t want to die every single moment of the day (instead I just want to lose myself in my non-real dreams or non-real tv shows or musical lyrics to escape the world), because I have a job and I’m living at home, not even paying rent. But what I see is a girl who went to Uni to get her degree and moved out, got her own place, made friends, gained confidence, had her first kiss, got a job in an industry she wanted to go in… who 4 years later ended up living back at her parents house, in a tiny box room with no space to put any of her nice things she doesn’t even care about anymore, who failed at getting her degree, lost those friends, lost that confidence, realised her first kiss was with a random guy at a club when she was off her face on speed and alcohol, lost her job, lost her dreams of being in the industry she always loved, and lost her will to live. Although gained some weight, an addiction, and a big fat load of debt. So yeah, some people might see a girl who came off drugs on her own, survived multiple attempts on her life, and has a job despite everything- but all I see is failure. I wanted more for the wide-eyed and hopeful, ambitious 16 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her. I wanted more for the family who encouraged me to pursue my dreams no matter what. I wanted more for the sister who looked up to her elder sister for advice. I’m just sorry I failed.

Anyway, felt good to get some stuff off my chest. I’ve been wanting to get writing again because I have so many things going on in my mind, and I’m going to burst if I don’t let it out somehow. I know something’s got to give if I have any hope at keeping myself alive… and if I ever want to do more than just survive, like actually live. If anybody is reading, keep your chin up, things can change. I’ve had good things and bad things happen to me since the last time I posted, but if I gave up when I wanted to, I’d never have experienced the good things. Peace out for now x

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