Another long time since I posted. I guess a mini update is in order. Since my last post, which, I admit, seemed rather depressing, I have finished University for the year. Let’s just say not my brightest move, not attending to any lectures and letting myself get poor grades. That lead me to failing, well in fact I chose to fail. I chose to resit the year rather than attend the lectures where I felt uncomfortable in my own class. The group I am in is probably the worst, I just feel anguish every time I was made to present or show my work. I lied to get out of showing it- pretending I didn’t have any work. My ‘friends’ ditched me long ago, I guess I wasn’t the average pretty, skinny, fashionable type, so I wasn’t good enough. I’m not saying it to feel sorry for myself, I am pretty relieved, because I don’t deserve friends like that. NOBODY deserves that.
I kept going in until my stomach was in too much pain or until my brain just told me not to step foot inside there. That was when I kind of gave up for the year, and took time to just do nothing. Maybe I should have carried on, pushed through my nerves. In the real world, I can’t just not attend a presentation, not complete a task so I don’t have to show it, so I guess it was wrong of my to give into my mind and let myself go into the dark. I’m not sure if I am feeling as bad as my previous post or not. I don’t necessarily feel like ‘giving up’ but I do feel like I am messing up my life still- not taking responsibility. In my mind, in a hundred years time, we will all be dead- our grandparents, parents and we will be gone. Our children if we have them, will be old or also dead, having their own grown up children and grandchildren. Effectively, in a hundred years, we, this generation, will be forgotten. This is constantly in my mind. I’m not afraid of dying, or being forgotten really, but it does kind of make you question the reason for being here. If we are only going to be forgotten, and for billions of people to take our place, why are we trying so damn hard? Most people would probably think I am mad for thinking all this, yeah I probably am. It’s how my mind works, it likes to create issues to stop me from progressing- trying to keep me from success by telling me nothing matters. Like you might say a hundred years is ages, but in the grand scheme of things, a hundred years is nothing. 100 years is a spec of time in the universe’ lifespan. Heck, 10,000 years is barely a scrape on how long the universe has been around and will be around!
Probably should stop writing my thoughts now, if you weren’t depressed already, you would be after reading that! Or who knows, maybe it doesn’t bother you. I like to see people happy and content with life, just living it one day at a time. I envy those people, and I strive to be like that. I think I need to stop thinking about the bigger picture, and just appreciate that I am one of the lucky ones, I am not spending what little time I have on this earth with no money, no family and no home. I have a loving family, a roof over my head, and the possibility to make something of my life, even if in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.
Live life one day at a time, just realise you have little time, so make the most of it!