I haven’t wrote on this in like a year. I guess I always write my feelings in a diary or on my other blog, but I like this one, nobody knows me on it and I don’t have to hold back on how I feel, but I can still feel like somebody is reading, listening, that I’m not just writing to a page in a book, for nobody to see or understand.
How I feel at the moment? All I want to do is live, alone, and watch every fun TV show or film from start to finish, and sleep. I want to do that every day. I want to eat junk and not worry I will get ill or even bigger. Obviously, that’s what most people want. But for me, I feel I am actually doing it.
It’s like I have given up hope for a future, and just waste my days. I feel like once I finish all the TV shows I find exciting, all the films that I enjoy, once it’s all done, then I’ll be ready to just fade out of existence. I want to live as long as possible, keep up the act that I am fine and getting along with my studies good. I want to redo my year, get my student loan, and spend it on luxuries, the temporary fix of happiness it gives you- or if not happiness, at least satisfaction.
Then, when I finally have to show for something in my life, then maybe I can give up, admit I am a mess, and just I don’t know. I haven’t got that far yet. It’s my sister who is supposed to be the ‘broken’ one in my family. Regularly crying or breaking down over something, having injections of vitamins to keep her happy and healthy. Being at the docs with depression. And I guess I thought that meant I’m the ‘strong one’, the one who can look after her, who can keep the spirits up. My Mum says she likes it when I am home, it makes her cheered up, livens the atmosphere. That confuses me, but I realise I do act like that at home, when I have been away for a while. Maybe it’s cause I am happy to see them as usually at uni I am so isolated, or maybe it’s because I’m so used to putting on that act with people, but I know I am not the ‘strong’ one. I can’t break down, I can’t drastically take an overdose and then get the help I need like my sister. I am not saying she is weak or attention seeking, she hasn’t ever been particularly happy. She struggles to connect with people and finds workload stressful. But I also felt jealous and angry.
Not of the attention, but of the selfishness. I wish I could just give up, or say I want to give up. But I care about my family too much. I wish I could cry in my Mums arms after an argument and blame it on the stress, but I’d make her upset and worried. I keep it all inside to keep them not worrying, yet they are worrying anyway about my Sister. It’s a vicious circle- and they still worry anyway, so I’m not even taking my parents pain away. Sure, they don’t have to be double worried, if that’s a thing, but they still have stress. Then it stresses me out more!
Anyway, that’s everything really. It sucks not being able to express my true feelings. I can’t even talk to a doctor or family member. I am so anxious all I need to do is tell somebody, take the first step- but I can’t even pluck up the courage to do that, so really, what hope even is there? Maybe when I ruin my life, fail my degree and am in thousands of pounds in debt I will realise I need help, but IDK, maybe I am doing that on purpose, so there really is nothing left to live for. Or, maybe I will find the courage this Easter, talk to somebody, get all this rage and anguish off my chest, and take the first step to fix my life. Either way, it will make me feel better, let’s just hope I don’t have to let everybody down to do that.